Together Forever, And Never Too Far
Our marriage hasn’t always been perfect, and it still isn’t 100% harmonious all of the time, but I can confidently say that things have never been better than they are now, and have been for the last months. Somewhere within each of us, it feels as though a massive chunk of ice has chipped away that always kept a certain portion of our inner workings frozen. Now we not only gel, it feels as though we have become one fluid mass that moves dynamically.
What neither of us knew when we were getting married was that the cards were stacked against us. Shortly after we met, I had been diagnosed with PTSD, depression and an anxiety disorder. My husband knew this of course, but we couldn’t have anticipated that my mental state of mind would implode at some point, as it has about 5 years ago, and I would develop Borderline Personality Disorder as well. It was an unnamed, sneaky enemy to our relationship for a few years before it showed its ugly visage in full daylight, then it took some more time for me to be able to see a specialist and get fully diagnosed. Now I know what is wrong. I am in therapy and medicated, and sometimes looking back I am amazed that my husband has been able to stay with me throughout all of that shit and drama I have put him through because of my mental illnesses.
My husband has episodes of severe depression due to childhood trauma, and more recently massive anxiety induced by physical illness. He is battling his own demons, while at the same time battling with mine. I, on the other hand, not understanding what was going on with me, have been mentally fighting against my husband in his entirety, not being able to discern where my rage, anger and sadness really stemmed from. I projected all negative feelings I have within me, which is more than I can bare, onto him. While all of this time, my husband upheld his vows to protect and uplift me, and to lead me out and away from my dark past. He was trying his best to hold together a person, me, that was crumbling away to dust in his hands, while carrying both our worlds on his own, broken shoulders.
However, throughout all of this, we never once stopped working together and being partners as best as we can. Only recently, with my understanding of my inner workings and my husband re-prioritizing his efforts in helping me, has it become simply effortless. Although I have to say that he was the one who was always more able to take on the role of the responsible partner, and who was there for me much more than I was able to be there for him. For example, ever since I moved to Canada in 2016, he has made it his priority to make sure I can live as comfortably as possible. He is constantly working to improving our household, by upgrading our living space and our lives. He would get me a better charging cable and attach it conveniently within my reach, he would install heaters and fans for me, hooks to organize and display our hats, he would adjust shelves, hang pictures, take great care in creating cozy lighting effects, research and buy me supplements, load the perfect work out music, order pizza when I had a tough day at work, draw me a bath before I came home, pick me up from where ever I am, and the list goes on with thousands of big and small things that he does every single day to help alleviate my stress, and my mental anguish. Not only does he say that he loves and adores me, he shows it with more things than I can count, consistently and throughout all of our good times, as well as the bad ones we have had in the past.
Nowadays, a very typical day looks like this. I get up at 6am, and head into the washroom, by the time I am done and come back out, my husband would have already made me a sandwich and laid out my lunch and a spoon for me. I walk the dog, sometimes he does, we kiss and I go to work. While I am at work, he is also working as well as cleaning the kitchen, taking out the garbage, vacuuming, and he has dinner ready for me to eat when I come home 75% of the time. The other 25%, we either order in, have something simple like ramen, or we cook dinner together. I usually do my part of the chores on the weekend, like doing the laundry and cleaning the washroom, on weekdays I don’t have to worry about a thing, unless it’s perhaps something small like unloading the dishwasher. My husband makes sure that when I come home, I can feel comfortable, because he knows that when there is a mess, it triggers anxiety for me, and it can worsen my depression. I also get welcomed with a big bear hug, a beverage, a nice shower together, that often leads to sex, and my computer is often already on and waiting for me to relax for the rest of the night.
If you asked my husband, he would tell you that this is what any husband would do for their partner. He calls it base minimum. However, I do believe that I am extra spoiled by the fact that he works from home, but I am sure that even if he didn’t, he would still do everything I described above. He provides for me, emotionally and physically, because he knows that he can never fully make my pain go away, I cannot be cured, but he does everything in his power for me to not think about my hurt so much, and to keep me stable, so that I can live up to my potential.