20 Years Of Poison

I just realized that I have been smoking or vaping nicotine for 20 year, smoking up until 2021, vaping for the last three years. It is not surprising that quitting this poison is such a frightful thought. How can my brain possibly function without it? Since I was a teenager, since my brain has still been underdeveloped, it had this nerve toxin rummaging around my skull. It doesn’t know any other way.

I have tried quitting numerous times. When I first came to Canada, I was going to go smoke free, but it didn’t take long, only a couple of days, before I bought my first pack of Canadian cigarettes (boy, are they expensive here). This has been a point of argument between me and my husband for a while, basically up until I started to at least switch cigarettes out for a vaping device. But still, the situation is not ideal, as he is concerned for my health and would like me to stop vaping as well.

I agree with him, sometimes the thought of developing a serious disease scares the shit out of me, and I know that due to second hand smoking throughout my childhood, it can hit me at any time. I should not add to the likelihood of dying a terrible and premature death. Also, saving the money I am spending to poison myself would be nice as well, even if it is not nearly as much nowadays compared to when I bought cigarettes.

Earlier this year I have yet again tried to quit vaping. I was first very optimistic, and even giddy at the thought of being free from it. I constantly reminded myself that the negative feelings I am having are due to the addiction, that my brain is telling me we are missing something vital, and it is going haywire without it. I thought I could just “mind over matter” it out, but it was my mind playing the cruellest tricks on me. It sent me into a state of panic, and having an anxiety disorder, and another addiction to food, and BPD, I eventually told myself that I have bigger problems than my nicotine consumption and that I should be more lenient with myself and allow me the piece of mind to not bother quitting.

Alas, I know that this attitude would bring me nowhere in life and that this is the exact attitude that keeps me stagnant in my ways. /sigh Nothing changes if nothing changes. This goes for my mental health, my lack of fitness and also for being addicted to nicotine.

I told my husband that I will try again when I have run out of vape juice, as I will not be able to resist while I still have easy access. Then it will be a matter of just not going to the store to buy a new bottle. My husband tells me I should still keep my device for in case I ever want to vape again in the future, as if it was something I can do occasionally. I don’t think he fully understands how addiction works. It is not like having a drink once in a while. It feels more like being a sober alcoholic, who cannot touch another drink ever again without fear of falling off the wagon.

Anyways, I know it would be better to just throw away all that I have left right now and tell myself that I am done with this, but I am not quite there yet. I will use the next couple of days to convince myself and dream of a life free from this poison. Until I run out, then I will try again.